I heard the dreaded words a couple of months ago during a routine check up with my medical care provider.
"We need to schedule colonoscopy for you."
Visions from Alfred Hitchcock immediately filled my head.
I heard the horror stories about how awful the night before was. How 'that stuff' you had to drink was awful. How the trips to the bathroom were excruciating. I was told about cold sweats, light-headedness, how, after awhile, things began to burn that should never burn...
So...
If you're like me and of an age where you need to have things checked, here's my version of the truth. Plan, simple, without too much graphic detail.
Yesterday afternoon, around 3:00, I took four Ducolax tablets. My pharmacist was nice enough to give me the four pills without making me pay for an entire box of 25.
An hour or so later, I felt a little 'grumbling' and made my first trip to the bathroom. It was no worse than when you've eaten something that doesn't agree with you and your body wants it gone.
Around 5:00, I mixed 8 ounces of a generic 'Miralax' with 64 ounces of lemon-lime Gatorade, which I'd kept in the freezer for about an hour. Mixing it in was actually the hardest thing I did all day. It didn't want to dissolve, so it was shake, shake, shake...
I drank the first 8 ounces expecting it to taste something like road kill or worse. I'd heard stories about having to choke it down and about wanting to puke it right back up.
It tasted like lemon-lime Gatorade to me.
Twenty minutes later, I drank 8 more ounces and then, shortly after, made my second trip to the bathroom.
I will admit that for awhile it seemed like the amount of Gatorade remaining didn't change. I swear I drank it for hours and hours.
It was between two and three before I finished it all.
My trips to the bathroom weren't all that bad. I'm not saying they were pleasant, but self-induced diarrhea isn't supposed to be fun, is it? There were a couple of times when I was in the bathroom long enough that I had to immediately drink another glass of Gatorade but I can only remember that happening twice.
The worst part of the night came shortly after I'd drank the last glass. The taste was still lemon-lime Gatorade but it seemed a little grittier than it had before. Maybe I didn't shake it enough. Almost immediately after drinking it, I knew i was going to throw up. My body had had enough and sent it back up to me.
I have no idea how much came back up, but I retained enough for it to do its job and I now know what 'watery diarrhea' really is...
About 20 minutes after I'd thrown up, I ate some lime jello, which stayed where it was supposed to. I watched some TV, talked to a friend on the phone for a bit, and then went to sleep.
My trips to the bathroom? Twice.
At 8:45 this morning, I arrived at the hospital per schedule. I then sat in the hallway until almost 9:30 because the surgery schedule was such that they had 20 procedures schedule for out-patient work and only 12 rooms available for prep and post recovery.
I finally got a room, got changed into one of their stylish gowns, got an IV started, and settled in to wait my turn. I watched The Three Stooges.
Less than an hour later, I was taken down to 'holding' for some more waiting. I was given a pill to put under my tongue. I can't remember what she called it; it was an anti something intended to temporarily stop the muscles from doing what those muscles do - push things out.
Less than 15 minutes later, I was wheeled into the OR. My doctor said hello and asked me how I was. I was hooked up to all sorts of things and my sedation nurse injected something into my IV. I almost immediately began to get drowsy. She then told me to turn onto my left side and I don't remember a single thing after that until I woke up and heard my doctor talking about the Red Sox.
It was the hardest part of the entire experience, seeing as I am a diehard Detroit Tigers fan.
Twenty minutes in recovery, another 20 back in my room, and I was out the door around noon to have breakfast with my sister.
There was nothing horrible about it. A little on the unpleasant side the night before, but nothing approaching horrible.
Oh, and the doctor found two polyps and removed them. He told me they weren't anything he'd worry about, but they will be biopsied.
And now, I'm done worrying about that for another 10 years.
The minor discomfort of last night was a small enough price to pay for that.
No horror stories, no awful stuff to force down.
A simple medical procedure that can save your life.
Get it done.
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